The following review is provided courtesy of Spoonfed.

Millions of years from now, when mankind would have evolved into beings of pure light and we would have found a cure for Monday mornings, I believe future philosophers will endlessly discuss and debate to breaking point, the true answer to that one single mystery of the universe...

What killed hip hop?

No, seriously; what really killed hip hop?

And the poor fools, they'll think it was gangster rap. They'll finger big business, Soulja Boy, even Kanye West's most recent album 808s and Heartbreaks. They won't know, the poor fools, it was godawful events. Godawful events like Guerilla Zoo at Jamm.

No, seriously; If this is the state of live hip hop in the 21st century, it might as well grab a shovel and some pinewood and, you know, find a nice little spot, maybe in the countryside.

To start with, the security guards are very nice. The Door ninja, on the other hand is not polite to my wallet: Eight Pounds Tax. Eight. Pounds. Not that I mind. For music, I pay twice as much. Not Madonna much, just twice. Besides hip hop is all about the love, the art, the dance moves, the lyrical skill, right? Right?

Two dark and forgettably designed rooms, one with the bar and decks, playing admittedly decent dubstep and electro, though I'm still smarting too hard from the £8 door castration to enjoy it. Drinks? Ha, like, heh; jokes. The other room has a stage and both rooms display very mild cases of actual audience. The acts run an hour late. Maybe they are backstage rehearsing some elaborate performance that is going to change UK Hip Hop as I know it. I have hope. UK Hip Hop FTW!

First up come the Black Flag Cartel. They seem to think numbers make up for any stage presence, because there were more people on stage than in the audience. Damn you, Wu-Tang, you're to blame for this. They sounded like piss-poor gangsta rap carbon copies. Think third division G-Unit, complete with just about every 'guns bitches, I'm-a-hard-ass-money-money-money' cliche they could muster into a setlist. The DJ looks more apathetic than I feel. Maybe that's his thing?

The next acts come and go. Not very bad, just nothing to recommend, nothing worth remembering, like a night at Yates, or rebound sex, or Heroes season 2. Very little charisma, little stage presence, not much in terms of memorable or dance-able tunes, and whatever finely crafted gems of wordplay the MC's had crafted in their spare time are bushwhacked into submission by the aforementioned music. All this to the sound of no hands clapping. I've seen poetry events with lesser numbers and three times the aura. This is atmospheric anaemia.

Small and perfectly formed respite arrives with The Sound Of Rum, a three piece act fronted by MC/Poet Excentral Tempest. I've seen Tempest before, so go ahead and accuse me of favoritism. See if I care. As a poet she displays the kind of masterful wordplay that should be bloody commonplace amongst UK MC's (but isn't), and as a performer she is something to behold; bouncing, flitting, rampaging around  the stage as if she moved by the strength of her own words. Her band are no slouches either; skillfully crafted melodies match Tempest's socially charged rhetoric.

Without any noticeable hooks or serious attempts at a chorus, the Sound of Rum are still the only band to have more than one member of the audience dancing. And I mean the 'I'm going to move my feet, damn who's looking' kind of dancing as opposed to the 'I'm going to nod my head impassively for the next thirty seconds and see where this goes' variety.

So,  I leave at three a.m. A disappointing sludge of bargain basement live hip hop; was it worth it?

Does the Pope condone condoms?

Is George Bush ordained by Jesus?

Maybe somewhere out there there's a night that better exemplifies what hip hop is all about. I dunno, I'm going to keep looking. I have to. And if I don't find anything, I'll leave a note in my deathbed. Hopefully my descendant will read it and pass it on to those poor philosophers in the future.

It wasn't Kanye West, you fools! It was Guerilla Zoo!